The Trouble With Babysitting
by Apologist
Summary: Warning: Plenty of innuendo and innapropriate stuff, here. This is a Hyrule fit for Jerry Springer. Link is forced to marry Ruto and wakes up to find that his children are missing. Ruto forces him to find them, and all hell breaks loose.


The Trouble with Babysitting  
By Siwel the Barbarian  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Adventures in Babysitting  
  
Ruto was getting quite annoyed. "Link! For the last time, get your lazy ass down here!" Link sluggishly made his way downstairs. He adjusted the hat on his Zora's Tunic. Stupid Ruto! She made him carry through on his childhood promise and marry him, even though he had four other engagements already.  
"Link, you worthless frick, listen good. I'm going shopping. I want you to look after the kids while I'm gone. Understood?" Link nodded. He wasn't really listening, just staring at the naked blue chick in front of him. His eyes slipped south. Ruto slapped him. "If I catch you looking there again in front of the kids I'll use some psycho-sage-flashing-light trick and drop you in Kakariko graveyard covered in Redead Nip with an "Eat Me" sign taped to your back. Got it?" Link nodded and focused on her face as best as he could. "So I'll be back in about four days. See you later." And with that Ruto slammed the door and trekked off. Link crawled back upstairs and crawled into bed. The heck was that about, anyway?  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in the light temple  
  
An evil bolt of lightning flashed in the background! A dark form ambled slowly from the shadows, slinking away from Rauru, who was distracted by the nickel that the evil figure had dropped in front of him.  
  
(AC/DC's Back in Black cues in.)  
  
The dark figure raised his hand. His nose wrinkled. He rolled his eyes and walked offstage, muttering about the damn incompetent teenage labor he had to suffice with.  
  
(Several moments pass and the music stops abruptly. Gratuitously violent noises erupt from off screen followed by adolescent screams and then the  
figure walks back on screen, wiping his hands on his cape.)  
  
Gannondorf yelled, "Okay, cue the fricking track!"  
  
(Evil sounding organ music cues in)  
  
The evil figure raised his hand and the Triforce of power appeared on it. "I will now get my revenge on that piece of crap Link! I'm sure it will work this time." Gannondorf's voice trailed off, "But enough of this! I will now hit Link where it hurts, his children!" Rauru was sliding the nickel in and out of the light, looking at its shininess. "Oooh, pretty. OW!" Rauru yelled as he accidentally hit himself in the eye. Gannondrof rolled his eyes yet again. He was surrounded by incompetents.  
  
Just at that moment, Link was sleeping soundly while his children, all Zoras, strangely enough, were playing with the electrical socket. "I wonder what it does." One of them wondered aloud. An older one answered, "Why of course! It's for looking into! If you stick your eye into it you can see through to the Golden Land!" The youngest one tried it, and a huge hand grabbed him and pulled him in. The other children all simultaneously said one thing, "COOOOL!" The huge hand grabbed all of them and pulled them in one by one.  
  
"JUST A FRIGGIN' MINUTE!"  
  
The stupidity censor ran into the middle of the screen, tearing it down the middle. "What in the name of Hamtaro was that?! Electrical outlets are not really paths to the Golden Land!!!" (The huge hand slaps the censor unconscious and then begins to speak) "What our special friend is trying to tell us is that this is why electrical outlets are unsafe to play by. Be safe, kids!"  
(The story returns to normal (Technically))  
  
Ruto returned in a few days to find link still sleeping and her children gone. She tore into the room, screaming, "LINK! WHERE IN HYRULE ARE YOUR FRIGGIN' KIDS?!?!?!" Link answered, still for the most part asleep. "Well, some at the castle, a few at Zora's Domain, but mostly in the Gerudo Valley." Then Link awoke completely and tried to cover up. "Uhh, I mean." His voice trailed off as Ruto turned four shades of purple and swelled to twice her normal size. As soon as she calmed down enough, she kicked Link square in the shins. He doubled over and hit his head on a chair. Ruto trembled visibly, quaking so hard that Link thought that she would explode. "First off," Ruto said in a crazily angry voice, "If I EVER catch you with that Gerudo whore ever again I will drench you in maple syrup and feed you to the weasels! Second off, If you don't find my children by Tomorrow, I will personally make sure that you are physically unable to sleep with another woman ever again using the most painful means available. Got that?" Link's eyes drifted south again. "How 'bout a little inspiration first?" He said, grinning. Ruto reached for the Biggoron's Sword, "Okay. Here's some inspiration. I'm going to close my eyes. If you're not gone by the time I open them, we start the neutering early." Ruto blinked swiftly. "TIME'S UP, LINK SAUSAGE!" Link ran faster than Talon back to Lon Lon Ranch after sleeping for six months straight.  
  
Link trekked for days and days (Almost an entire hour! Well, the day does last for, oh, three minutes?) Without tiring. Finally, Link decided to call Epona.  
Soon, Epona was galloping toward Link at full speed. right into a fence. Epona just ran and ran and ran, getting absolutely nowhere. "Stupid friggin' horse!" Link screamed, "Don't make me get out the Deku Switch!" Epona, obviously not listening, just ran doggedly on. Link narrowed his eyes at the horse. "If only I could climb that fence without jumping it I would flay you!" Link put on the hoverboots and sighed. "Well, I guess it's time for the hard way." He took a deep breath and started sidestepping like crazy! Link muttered under his breath "I'm going to smack the person who decided that there should be no warp song to Lon-Lon Ranch!" 


End file.
